Post by Anonymous on Mar 7, 2009 23:23:38 GMT
I'm not the kind of person who can handle talking about my problems and making myself vulnerable to others, so I am thankful for this account. I need it, so I can speak my mind and heart without it being traced back to me. Don't be surprised if I use this account more than once.
I wish I could just be accepted. I am crying so hard right now because I lost my best friend. I'm just not good enough for her and I know she thinks I'm not because I'm not there for her as much as she needs and I've been weird and distant lately.
I had to end our friendship today because of it and I'm still sobbing over it, but it was over before I said anything. She didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore even though she didn't say it directly.
But it hurts so bad. I just want people who are there for me no matter what. Who don't get pissed at me because I'm not there for them like they need me to be and because I'm not perfect.
Of course I AM NOT PERFECT AND I CAN'T BE. I spend a lot of my life living for others and trying to hold in my feelings, but I can't do it all the time. I like to be alone a lot because it's the only time I can be selfish and possibly relax. Whenever I am around people, they are just making me feel guilty all the time. I have to do this and that or they are upset with me. It hurts because I want to be loved even if I don't do those things.
My boyfriend's best friend for instance. I've been trying to get along with him because they are best friends, but it's hard. I'm a sensitive person and a shy one and he doesn't understand it. He tells me to "stop" being that way. He just sent me an e-mail about how I need to stop being shy and stuff, but it's not like a light switch that I can just turn off. I don't want to argue with him because I HATE arguing with people, so I've been avoiding responding to the e-mail for now. I have no idea what I am going to say and it's really annoying. Even though it hurts me, I've never ONCE told him to stop being critical, so why is he bugging me?
I lost all my friends recently too. I had a large group of friends that I felt good in, but the leader of the group got angry with me and they all followed suit. Luckily I've gotten them to forget about me instead of keep gossiping about me, but I thought they were always going to be there (I don't know why, I only knew them for a year or two.)
They got angry at me because I make perverted jokes a lot and the boyfriend of the leader of the group called me immature for it and I told him to stop picking on me for being the way I am, but that made the leader of the group mad and although I didn't argue with her directly, she turned everyone against me. It hurt so bad. I didn't know one little perverted joke would make everyone hate me.
Why are little stupid mistakes so important to everyone like that? Why is my personality so HORRIBLE to everyone? Why do they treat me that way? Can't they just be nice and accept me sometimes because I can't take it anymore.
And I'm just glad for this forum because if it wasn't here I would be crying alone, since I have never found a place on the internet or real life where people won't make fun of me or call me a baby for being upset and I'm just tired of the cruelty.
I LISTEN TO PEOPLE. I'M NICE TO THEM. SO HOW COME WHEN I NEED THEM THEY ARE NOT THERE FOR ME?!
And why do they forget the fact that I try so hard for them and want them to be happy whenever I make a tiny mistake to upset them? When they upset me, I do not reject them as people. All the people I listed above have upset me, but if they wanted to work it out with me and were willing to accept me, I would absolutely take them all back no questions asked.
I just can't deal with the backstabbing hurt and rejection they give to me and I want to just escape this guilt that chews at my soul every day and makes me hate myself more and more.
I wish I could just be accepted. I am crying so hard right now because I lost my best friend. I'm just not good enough for her and I know she thinks I'm not because I'm not there for her as much as she needs and I've been weird and distant lately.
I had to end our friendship today because of it and I'm still sobbing over it, but it was over before I said anything. She didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore even though she didn't say it directly.
But it hurts so bad. I just want people who are there for me no matter what. Who don't get pissed at me because I'm not there for them like they need me to be and because I'm not perfect.
Of course I AM NOT PERFECT AND I CAN'T BE. I spend a lot of my life living for others and trying to hold in my feelings, but I can't do it all the time. I like to be alone a lot because it's the only time I can be selfish and possibly relax. Whenever I am around people, they are just making me feel guilty all the time. I have to do this and that or they are upset with me. It hurts because I want to be loved even if I don't do those things.
My boyfriend's best friend for instance. I've been trying to get along with him because they are best friends, but it's hard. I'm a sensitive person and a shy one and he doesn't understand it. He tells me to "stop" being that way. He just sent me an e-mail about how I need to stop being shy and stuff, but it's not like a light switch that I can just turn off. I don't want to argue with him because I HATE arguing with people, so I've been avoiding responding to the e-mail for now. I have no idea what I am going to say and it's really annoying. Even though it hurts me, I've never ONCE told him to stop being critical, so why is he bugging me?
I lost all my friends recently too. I had a large group of friends that I felt good in, but the leader of the group got angry with me and they all followed suit. Luckily I've gotten them to forget about me instead of keep gossiping about me, but I thought they were always going to be there (I don't know why, I only knew them for a year or two.)
They got angry at me because I make perverted jokes a lot and the boyfriend of the leader of the group called me immature for it and I told him to stop picking on me for being the way I am, but that made the leader of the group mad and although I didn't argue with her directly, she turned everyone against me. It hurt so bad. I didn't know one little perverted joke would make everyone hate me.
Why are little stupid mistakes so important to everyone like that? Why is my personality so HORRIBLE to everyone? Why do they treat me that way? Can't they just be nice and accept me sometimes because I can't take it anymore.
And I'm just glad for this forum because if it wasn't here I would be crying alone, since I have never found a place on the internet or real life where people won't make fun of me or call me a baby for being upset and I'm just tired of the cruelty.
I LISTEN TO PEOPLE. I'M NICE TO THEM. SO HOW COME WHEN I NEED THEM THEY ARE NOT THERE FOR ME?!
And why do they forget the fact that I try so hard for them and want them to be happy whenever I make a tiny mistake to upset them? When they upset me, I do not reject them as people. All the people I listed above have upset me, but if they wanted to work it out with me and were willing to accept me, I would absolutely take them all back no questions asked.
I just can't deal with the backstabbing hurt and rejection they give to me and I want to just escape this guilt that chews at my soul every day and makes me hate myself more and more.
